my main question is has anyone ever fantasized about having sex with me

(Source: vans-supreme, via visually-unappealing)


The Most Underutilized Sexual Positions 

  • The Frenchman’s duel
  • The pickled herring 
  • Weird dots
  • Oat style
  • The sunglasses worn by Trinity from The Matrix film series
  • Old barn with leaky roof
  • Tender and sweet
  • Milk and honey
  • Bees and honey
  • Lots of bees
  • The sorcerer’s downfall 
  • The great lecturer 


"I’m going to go ham on this sandwich," he said and then laughed until he died. 


Some people think that flushing a spider down the toilet is mean, but it’s probably the only time that spider will ever get to surf in its life. The poop is the surfboard. Wait until the spider climbs onto the poop before you flush. 

» http://heckacute.tumblr.com/post/80038557742/do-you-know-why-i-pulled-you-over-the-policeman


"Do you know why I pulled you over?" the policeman asked.

"No," I said. "I don’t think I was speeding."

"You’re right. You weren’t speeding. I pulled you over because you are distractingly ugly and a bunch of people who have driven past you have crashed. You are a hazard. Your face is guilty of…


They say that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and they are right. Kill the man by ruining the heart. Ruin the heart by filling the stomach with poison. 


Strangers often stop me and say, “You’re really beautiful. You could be a model,” and I say, “Wow, thank you so much. That means a lot coming from somebody who could obviously never be a model unless a company needed to take pictures of a wet bag of trash for an advertisement and, for some reason, it was cheaper to hire a person who looks like that rather than actually get a real soaking wet garbage bag full of rotting food and glass shards.”  

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